Sunday wine thoughts.

You know when thoughts pop into your head. Well that’s happened a few times today. Few things are annoying me. Ha I hear you laugh, things annoy Kirsty? Well I never.

I am single. And when I talk about missing having a partner, I am often greeted with “well it’s not all roses having a partner” and so on. I know. I wasn’t always single. I do know what it is like to have a partner. I really am not stupid. Being single is shit. No the grass isn’t always greener only having yourself to rely on. I hate it. Having support, even if he’s shit at it is more than I have. So yes. I know what it is like to have a significant other. Please don’t treat me like I am stupid.

Also, if I ever got married. Yes stop laughing I am being serious. It scares me, if I did get married. I would have hardly any guests. I don’t have parents. Yes I have an extended family but it’s not huge any more. I don’t have tons of friends either. It’s a really scary thought, who would walk me down the aisle? Who would be there to help. It’s a very  unnerving thought and has made me cry lots.

I am looking for work. I am trained in quite a lot. I have a-levels. I am not stupid. I have done lots. From writing pornography to fry chips [in my younger days] But what I am trained in and what I used to love is CAD [computer aided design] Anyway, a few times in real life and internet, I have been treated like I am thick as I am not working. As above. I have worked before. I know what I am doing. I just can’t find a job that is suitable.

So there. My thoughts. Depressing mostly cause of the wine. And the fact everywhere I go people are in couples. I swear laughing at me, taking about their jobs.

Bye

Hibernation.

These past 2 weeks I’ve been in a bad place. Mentally. It’s a very dark place. And I feel quite isolated and not really sure what to do.

I don’t tend to deal with emotions very well not when they engulf my entire self. I can either get cross or I hibernate, I hide myself away from the world. Not very ideal and I have caused worry before. Sorry Becca and Cat for my disappearances last year. I guess I am not one for delving too much into my shit. I don’t talk about it that much. I just deal with it. Weirdly until my mum died I was the opposite. But death really does change you. I am much more a positive person now. Always see the positives in life rather than focus on the negative but again this only happened after mum. I know I don’t sound very positive now. Walking contradiction at the moment.

I can’t compartmentalise the things going around in my head, and I don’t like not having that control. I know I will in time and this is just a blip. But until then I am stuck in this mind-set and feel like I am losing control.

I appear angry at the world. Maybe I am. I have so much crap that of course now and again it’s going to make me angry. I am only human.

I have some tough choices to make, and until then I am stuck in this ongoing groundhog day. I’d much prefer my life if it was as black and white as the online world.

One day at a time eh?

Grumpy funk

Every night I lay here with thoughts in my head. What to do. How to do it. What if. Why. Mundane shit. Over and over.

I can’t sleep so I think some more. I’ve got no answers. I’ve got no clue.

I’d like a cuggle. You know one of those safe tight ones. That make everything okay. Only a man can give me that.

Chances of that are slim. If ever.

I’d like to sleep instead of over think. We shall see. Maybe I’ll wake tomorrow without my grumpy funk.