Sunday wine thoughts.

You know when thoughts pop into your head. Well that’s happened a few times today. Few things are annoying me. Ha I hear you laugh, things annoy Kirsty? Well I never.

I am single. And when I talk about missing having a partner, I am often greeted with “well it’s not all roses having a partner” and so on. I know. I wasn’t always single. I do know what it is like to have a partner. I really am not stupid. Being single is shit. No the grass isn’t always greener only having yourself to rely on. I hate it. Having support, even if he’s shit at it is more than I have. So yes. I know what it is like to have a significant other. Please don’t treat me like I am stupid.

Also, if I ever got married. Yes stop laughing I am being serious. It scares me, if I did get married. I would have hardly any guests. I don’t have parents. Yes I have an extended family but it’s not huge any more. I don’t have tons of friends either. It’s a really scary thought, who would walk me down the aisle? Who would be there to help. It’s a very  unnerving thought and has made me cry lots.

I am looking for work. I am trained in quite a lot. I have a-levels. I am not stupid. I have done lots. From writing pornography to fry chips [in my younger days] But what I am trained in and what I used to love is CAD [computer aided design] Anyway, a few times in real life and internet, I have been treated like I am thick as I am not working. As above. I have worked before. I know what I am doing. I just can’t find a job that is suitable.

So there. My thoughts. Depressing mostly cause of the wine. And the fact everywhere I go people are in couples. I swear laughing at me, taking about their jobs.

Bye

36

So. It’s my birthday soon. 20 days today. I don’t really get presents. It’s just how it is. Maybe one day if I ever get a man and can adopt his parents who will be the best in laws ever., I might. Obviously that will happen. Anyway. This is my wish list.  Which I will probably add too.  But right now. Far too tired. We all know I love gin. Hendricks if you please.

 

ipad

tom

bag

imageload

dan_aykroyd_s_crystal_head_skull_vodka_70cl_with_box

But most of all, right now. I want the charity that funds our holiday to grant it. I am very sad about this. My girls are going to lose out. I applied a month ago, they normally get back to me within a week and no doubt the park we always go too will be fully booked. So yes, the caravan holiday would be the best present ever. Yes, I know it’s a charity. And I should be grateful I get something as many of you don’t. But raising a child with needs that are special is bloody hard work. But this holiday is for her. For her to relax and enjoy herself. Means I get a bit of respite. Sorry felt the need to justify there.

Not feeling festive.

Christmas to me is about family but its also full of mixed emotion for me these days. First and foremost I love being a mum and at Christmas being with my girls just feels a little more special. But it also makes me feel so lonely, left out, left behind. I don’t have family. Immediate family.
I have extended family, aunts and uncles and rather a lot of cousins. But they see their family. Me and my sister. That will be our Xmas, all that we’ve got. I love my sister so much but I’d do anything to have my parents to see at Xmas. In laws. I have neither. I find Christmas tough. I get very sad. I feel really lonely. I get envious and rather jealous when I see pictures of what presents you got. Not in a nasty way but in a way I wonder if anyone will love me enough to buy me something special. And yes I know it’s not about presents but we all can’t deny we like getting them. Last year was a great Xmas for me. I ended up with 2 kindles thanks to a rather lot of lovely twitter people. It made me feel loved.

I guess it makes me think how fucked up things in my life are. I never wanted to be a single mum and now? I just don’t seem to meet anyone that wants to be with me. I am feeling a little woe is me.
I know there are worse off people and that makes me sad. Cause how I’m feeling right now, well I’d hate to feel even worse.
Yes I’m lucky to have 2 amazing girls. But being alone at Christmas isn’t nice. At any time actually. And I really hate that “you’re not alone, you’ve got your girls” it really isn’t the same. I’m more than a mum. I’m Kirsty too. And Kirsty is very lonely.