Sometimes I just disappear. Online. Not for real. Although sometimes I wish I could. I really do. When things get too much I can’t deal with talking to people online. Pretending things are fine, and making small talk. I find it really hard. I also find it really hard to talk when things get too much. I find all the attention overwhelming, and as lovely as it is for people to be concerned it still makes me feel weird.
I guess I am writing a blog as it’s different to Twitter as it’s not in real-time, so I find it a little easier. Not even sure that makes sense but to me it does. Almost feels like I am talking to myself. Rather than to you.
Anyway, D’arcy got poorly with Hand, foot and mouth a few weeks ago. Well more like 4 I think now. But she got very ill with it. Apparently it’s not that bad but for some it is. I played it down, saying she was okay. She really wasn’t. It really got her bad. Poor thing. Even now 4 weeks later her feet are still peeling from where she had the spots. But HFM left her rather weak and she picked up yet another cold. She seems to have a permanent one. She ended up with conjunctivitis in both eyes too. Not sleeping, not eating. It’s hard work dealing with this. And doing it alone.
Not long after this I got me a kidney infection. Horrendous, I couldn’t be ill as I had D’arcy to look after. I’ve had one before and it’s so fucking painful. A lot of people get confused, it’s not a bladder infection [cystitis] I would have welcomed that. Kidney infections really really hurt, and what with a raging temperature. I felt like shit. I popped tablets and carried on. No other choice.
Cue Caitlyn getting ill. Would you fucking believe it. Sore throat, cold, conjunctivitis in both eyes. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I really felt like crying. Well I did cry. Loads. Caitlyn has such bad asthma the minute she gets a sore throat/cold it’s not long till the wheeze starts.
All in this time I wasn’t getting better. I felt awful. But someone needed me. My sister. She needed me so badly. She suffered a missed miscarriage. She was 9 weeks and 6 days when she was told her little babies heart had stopped beating at 8 weeks 😦 My sister is broken. It’s so hard to watch someone you love dearly in so much pain. It took till she was 11 weeks to the day [22/7/12] till she passed her little baby which she named Hayden. I am so gutted for her, but there is nothing I can do other than be there for her. I wish I could change things so she was still pregnant. Life really is unfair. I have to look at it as it was natures way of saying something was wrong. But nature sure is fucking cruel.
I guess being there for her, and for my girls and not looking after myself led me to getting iller. Out of hours at the hospital informed me I had a chest infection, my kidney infection was still there and I also have an inflamed stomach. The latter is why I lost 5 pounds in a week. Guess there was a silver lining to being ill.
I am slowly getting better. Not quite at 100% but I will be as long as my girls don’t get ill again and chances are they will 😦
Right now, my life is tough. Tougher than most, but not as tough as others. And doing it alone. Well that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I just have to get on with it. Pull my socks up so to speak.
I hope this explains why I went awol. And I am sorry for worrying some of you. xx