Blackness.

I am not sure why I often never feel good enough. Maybe it’s from having a father who hates me for reasons I still cannot fathom. Maybe it’s from feeling abandoned by people all through life. But it’s a real feeling I can’t shake. No one rallies around me to see if I am okay. No one bothers me if I hibernate, go quiet. No one is interested in me. I always second guess myself thinking do they actually like me, they can’t otherwise why do they not bother anymore. I am not actually good enough. I try. I try to be the good friend. Be the one who listens. But then I have no one to listen to me. I don’t want to burden others. So I shut myself away. Always doubting myself, doubting them.

Social media made me feel not so alone, but then made me feel even more alone. When I wasn’t as liked as others. My photos weren’t liked as much as others. People aren’t interested in me. I could disappear and no one would notice. I thought I was funny. But people aren’t laughing at me, they are laughing at me. The fool. The idiot.

 

 

The trying failure

4 steps forward. Always trying, always keeping on. Fed up with it. I have these lulls from time to time. I’m having another. They get bigger every time. Last longer.

I can easily say I have shit luck. I hate comments that say something like, oh maybe your luck will change. No it never does.
Round and round in circles. Nothing changing. Always the same.
Sofa is broken. What do I do when it completely fails?
Hoover is nearly broken. More expense.
So many things we need. No way of sorting that out. Some days I can’t even afford food. Desperate times. Always.
Things have not changed in 2 years. Not through want of trying. Please don’t patronise me. This has been my life for 2 years. 2 long hard years. I am barely keeping my head above water.
No winter shoes. Just winter blues.
Nothing changing. Always the same.
I need more time, time to sit down and try more. If I can. I try hard already. But jobs. I need one. So fed up with never getting luck.
36 and still single. Not even a date. I’ve tried.
That’s me. A trier. But mostly a failure.
Kirsty. Who tried and failed.

Sunday wine thoughts.

You know when thoughts pop into your head. Well that’s happened a few times today. Few things are annoying me. Ha I hear you laugh, things annoy Kirsty? Well I never.

I am single. And when I talk about missing having a partner, I am often greeted with “well it’s not all roses having a partner” and so on. I know. I wasn’t always single. I do know what it is like to have a partner. I really am not stupid. Being single is shit. No the grass isn’t always greener only having yourself to rely on. I hate it. Having support, even if he’s shit at it is more than I have. So yes. I know what it is like to have a significant other. Please don’t treat me like I am stupid.

Also, if I ever got married. Yes stop laughing I am being serious. It scares me, if I did get married. I would have hardly any guests. I don’t have parents. Yes I have an extended family but it’s not huge any more. I don’t have tons of friends either. It’s a really scary thought, who would walk me down the aisle? Who would be there to help. It’s a very  unnerving thought and has made me cry lots.

I am looking for work. I am trained in quite a lot. I have a-levels. I am not stupid. I have done lots. From writing pornography to fry chips [in my younger days] But what I am trained in and what I used to love is CAD [computer aided design] Anyway, a few times in real life and internet, I have been treated like I am thick as I am not working. As above. I have worked before. I know what I am doing. I just can’t find a job that is suitable.

So there. My thoughts. Depressing mostly cause of the wine. And the fact everywhere I go people are in couples. I swear laughing at me, taking about their jobs.

Bye

Not feeling festive.

Christmas to me is about family but its also full of mixed emotion for me these days. First and foremost I love being a mum and at Christmas being with my girls just feels a little more special. But it also makes me feel so lonely, left out, left behind. I don’t have family. Immediate family.
I have extended family, aunts and uncles and rather a lot of cousins. But they see their family. Me and my sister. That will be our Xmas, all that we’ve got. I love my sister so much but I’d do anything to have my parents to see at Xmas. In laws. I have neither. I find Christmas tough. I get very sad. I feel really lonely. I get envious and rather jealous when I see pictures of what presents you got. Not in a nasty way but in a way I wonder if anyone will love me enough to buy me something special. And yes I know it’s not about presents but we all can’t deny we like getting them. Last year was a great Xmas for me. I ended up with 2 kindles thanks to a rather lot of lovely twitter people. It made me feel loved.

I guess it makes me think how fucked up things in my life are. I never wanted to be a single mum and now? I just don’t seem to meet anyone that wants to be with me. I am feeling a little woe is me.
I know there are worse off people and that makes me sad. Cause how I’m feeling right now, well I’d hate to feel even worse.
Yes I’m lucky to have 2 amazing girls. But being alone at Christmas isn’t nice. At any time actually. And I really hate that “you’re not alone, you’ve got your girls” it really isn’t the same. I’m more than a mum. I’m Kirsty too. And Kirsty is very lonely.

It’s not me. It’s you.

I’ve lost who I used to be. Not sure how or why, but I have morphed into a person I don’t recognise. And I am doing my best to find her. I used to be funny. I used to be clever. Now all I do is moan and bore myself silly with my mundane drivel. And it’s not just me that bores me. It’s you too.

I joined Twitter a fair few years ago. Hence my stupid high volume of tweets, but you see back then I was funny. I was a piss taker and a lover of life. Now, I can’t even be arsed to tweet cause, well I am boring, and the tweets I read. Boring. I literally yawn when reading some. Who’s had no sleep, who’s poorly, who’s made what and made it better than someone else, who’s got more money, and then there’s the show off tweets from those trying to pretend they’re not showing off and thinking we’re all gullible to believe their shit. Blah blah. Where are the funnies? See it’s not just me, it’s you too.

You bore me* Sorry, it had to be said. This isn’t a competition but I expect I probably bore you. More. Maybe. I dunno. It’s turned into the sun’s agony page. Which is boring.

I probably need to drink more, to laugh more and my god do I need to love life more. Rather than be this miserable cow I’ve become. So I shall drink some more gin. You should probably do that too.

Anyway, I am going to try to find me. And when I do and when I do tweet it won’t be about how tired I am, or if I made a fandabbydozy thingymebob. Well I say that. it could well happen.

Right enough of that, I am boring myself.

*pours another gin*

*Except Nel. She’s funny. Sometimes.

Radio Silence.

Sometimes I just disappear. Online. Not for real. Although sometimes I wish I could. I really do. When things get too much I can’t deal with talking to people online. Pretending things are fine, and making small talk. I find it really hard. I also find it really hard to talk when things get too much. I find all the attention overwhelming, and as lovely as it is for people to be concerned it still makes me feel weird.

I guess I am writing  a blog as it’s different to Twitter as it’s not in real-time, so I find it a little easier. Not even sure that makes sense but to me it does. Almost feels like I am talking to myself. Rather than to you.

Anyway, D’arcy got poorly with Hand, foot and mouth a few weeks ago. Well more like 4 I think now. But she got very ill with it. Apparently it’s not that bad but for some it is. I played it down, saying she was okay. She really wasn’t. It really got her bad. Poor thing. Even now 4 weeks later her feet are still peeling from where she had the spots. But HFM left her rather weak and she picked up yet another cold. She seems to have a permanent one. She ended up with conjunctivitis in both eyes too. Not sleeping, not eating. It’s hard work dealing with this. And doing it alone.

Not long after this I got me a kidney infection. Horrendous, I couldn’t be ill as I had D’arcy to look after. I’ve had one before and it’s so fucking painful. A lot of people get confused, it’s not a bladder infection [cystitis] I would have welcomed that. Kidney infections really really hurt, and what with a raging temperature. I felt like shit. I popped tablets and carried on. No other choice.

Cue Caitlyn getting ill. Would you fucking believe it. Sore throat, cold, conjunctivitis in both eyes. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I really felt like crying. Well I did cry. Loads. Caitlyn has such bad asthma the minute she gets a sore throat/cold it’s not long till the wheeze starts.

All in this time I wasn’t getting better. I felt awful. But someone needed me. My sister. She needed me so badly. She suffered a missed miscarriage. She was 9 weeks and 6 days when she was told her little babies heart had stopped beating at 8 weeks 😦 My sister is broken. It’s so hard to watch someone you love dearly in so much pain. It took till she was 11 weeks to the day [22/7/12] till she passed her little baby which she named Hayden. I am so gutted for her, but there is nothing I can do other than be there for her. I wish I could change things so she was still pregnant. Life really is unfair. I have to look at it as it was natures way of saying something was wrong. But nature sure is fucking cruel.

I guess being there for her, and for my girls and not looking after myself led me to getting iller. Out of hours at the hospital informed me I had a chest infection, my kidney infection was still there and I also have an inflamed stomach. The latter is why I lost 5 pounds in a week. Guess there was a silver lining to being ill.

I am slowly getting better. Not quite at 100% but I will be as long as my girls don’t get ill again and chances are they will 😦

Right now, my life is tough. Tougher than most, but not as tough as others. And doing it alone. Well that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I just have to get on with it. Pull my socks up so to speak.

I hope this explains why I went awol. And I am sorry for worrying some of you. xx

 

 

For I have sinned…..

Today I did something rather quite naughty.

I stole something…in a round about way. Kinda. Well, no I did. I must confess. As some of you are aware I was up half the night with anxiety over a missing teaspoon. When things go missing I go crazy. I thought it was just dummies but lately things are getting out of hand. Nothing should “just go missing” in my house. Everything is in order, so when something breaks that order I get proper anxious about it.

I am blabbing, it doesn’t take the fact away that I did in fact steal a teaspoon. A display teaspoon. I went back to the store that sold my cutlery set. They sold just about every other Viners set individually bar mine. They had a set on display. So I picked the teaspoon up, along with a new tea-cup and a new cutlery set for D’arcy and a heart thing. And went to the till. I kinda left the teaspoon in the hood of the pram. I did pay for everything else and I did donate my change so in a way I kinda did pay for it. The individual teaspoons were being sold off at 85p and I donated 55p so I kinda nearly almost did pay for it.

I have 6 matching teaspoons.

I know I will still worry over the missing spoon. As I am mostly a twat like that.