Blackness.

I am not sure why I often never feel good enough. Maybe it’s from having a father who hates me for reasons I still cannot fathom. Maybe it’s from feeling abandoned by people all through life. But it’s a real feeling I can’t shake. No one rallies around me to see if I am okay. No one bothers me if I hibernate, go quiet. No one is interested in me. I always second guess myself thinking do they actually like me, they can’t otherwise why do they not bother anymore. I am not actually good enough. I try. I try to be the good friend. Be the one who listens. But then I have no one to listen to me. I don’t want to burden others. So I shut myself away. Always doubting myself, doubting them.

Social media made me feel not so alone, but then made me feel even more alone. When I wasn’t as liked as others. My photos weren’t liked as much as others. People aren’t interested in me. I could disappear and no one would notice. I thought I was funny. But people aren’t laughing at me, they are laughing at me. The fool. The idiot.

 

 

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