I suffer so badly with feeling guilty. Guilty over doing things with my kids, or not doing. I worry if I am doing enough, if I am nurturing them enough.
I look at D’arcy and I am so proud of her, she started walking at 9 months, amazing. Her level of understanding is also amazing. She is very clever and responds to commands and understands consequences, such as TV off if she does this, or does that. But her speech? It’s just not happening. I worry it’s to do with her tongue tie, and I worry it’s to do with her dummies. But mostly I worry that she is going to have special needs like her big sister. It scares the hell out of me if I am honest.
I encourage her to talk, but she gets moody. I try to read to her, she normally jumps down, takes the book and throws it. She’s not interested. We do colouring, I always name the colours, she ignores me. It’s so frustrating, when I see other kids, younger than she is talking, proper words. And here D’arcy is, and can literally say “no” “mum” “bye” “shoes” and what sounds like “see later” but not that clear. Oh and “juice” none of these words are pronounced properly but well enough for me to understand them. But by nearly age 2. She should know a lot more words, she should know colours, or some at least. If I ask her get me the pink crayon. She sometimes gets it, fluke maybe. But mostly she ignores me. I tell her one. She holds up one finger. See she knows what I am asking of her.
I guess this time around I want to go at her pace, but is that too slow? With Caitlyn, before I knew she had her needs. I literally made her grow up too fast. Sat her down to do learning, I made her grow up too quickly, became her teacher. Numbers, words, colours. Kids need to enjoy their play I think, not be made to learn so young? After all they will spend so much time at school learning. I didn’t want to force D’arcy like I did Caitlyn. I am not a fan of pushy parenting. But then I sometimes think I am too lazy with her? I don’t know. I am quite active with her, she goes out a lot to the park, goes to toddler groups, see’s lots of other children her age. Goes to soft play. I play with her. But not loads. Only so many times I can drink pretend tea and colour in. Maybe that’s the key. Maybe it’s not enough.
Competitive parenting is much more common these days thanks to the internet. And I worry I am not doing enough when I see others do things. I can’t afford to take my girls to places every weekend. That gets to me.
They are loved and they are well looked after, but is that really enough? I just know I feel guilty.