Christmas to me is about family but its also full of mixed emotion for me these days. First and foremost I love being a mum and at Christmas being with my girls just feels a little more special. But it also makes me feel so lonely, left out, left behind. I don’t have family. Immediate family.
I have extended family, aunts and uncles and rather a lot of cousins. But they see their family. Me and my sister. That will be our Xmas, all that we’ve got. I love my sister so much but I’d do anything to have my parents to see at Xmas. In laws. I have neither. I find Christmas tough. I get very sad. I feel really lonely. I get envious and rather jealous when I see pictures of what presents you got. Not in a nasty way but in a way I wonder if anyone will love me enough to buy me something special. And yes I know it’s not about presents but we all can’t deny we like getting them. Last year was a great Xmas for me. I ended up with 2 kindles thanks to a rather lot of lovely twitter people. It made me feel loved.
I guess it makes me think how fucked up things in my life are. I never wanted to be a single mum and now? I just don’t seem to meet anyone that wants to be with me. I am feeling a little woe is me.
I know there are worse off people and that makes me sad. Cause how I’m feeling right now, well I’d hate to feel even worse.
Yes I’m lucky to have 2 amazing girls. But being alone at Christmas isn’t nice. At any time actually. And I really hate that “you’re not alone, you’ve got your girls” it really isn’t the same. I’m more than a mum. I’m Kirsty too. And Kirsty is very lonely.