Radio Silence.

Sometimes I just disappear. Online. Not for real. Although sometimes I wish I could. I really do. When things get too much I can’t deal with talking to people online. Pretending things are fine, and making small talk. I find it really hard. I also find it really hard to talk when things get too much. I find all the attention overwhelming, and as lovely as it is for people to be concerned it still makes me feel weird.

I guess I am writing  a blog as it’s different to Twitter as it’s not in real-time, so I find it a little easier. Not even sure that makes sense but to me it does. Almost feels like I am talking to myself. Rather than to you.

Anyway, D’arcy got poorly with Hand, foot and mouth a few weeks ago. Well more like 4 I think now. But she got very ill with it. Apparently it’s not that bad but for some it is. I played it down, saying she was okay. She really wasn’t. It really got her bad. Poor thing. Even now 4 weeks later her feet are still peeling from where she had the spots. But HFM left her rather weak and she picked up yet another cold. She seems to have a permanent one. She ended up with conjunctivitis in both eyes too. Not sleeping, not eating. It’s hard work dealing with this. And doing it alone.

Not long after this I got me a kidney infection. Horrendous, I couldn’t be ill as I had D’arcy to look after. I’ve had one before and it’s so fucking painful. A lot of people get confused, it’s not a bladder infection [cystitis] I would have welcomed that. Kidney infections really really hurt, and what with a raging temperature. I felt like shit. I popped tablets and carried on. No other choice.

Cue Caitlyn getting ill. Would you fucking believe it. Sore throat, cold, conjunctivitis in both eyes. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I really felt like crying. Well I did cry. Loads. Caitlyn has such bad asthma the minute she gets a sore throat/cold it’s not long till the wheeze starts.

All in this time I wasn’t getting better. I felt awful. But someone needed me. My sister. She needed me so badly. She suffered a missed miscarriage. She was 9 weeks and 6 days when she was told her little babies heart had stopped beating at 8 weeks 😦 My sister is broken. It’s so hard to watch someone you love dearly in so much pain. It took till she was 11 weeks to the day [22/7/12] till she passed her little baby which she named Hayden. I am so gutted for her, but there is nothing I can do other than be there for her. I wish I could change things so she was still pregnant. Life really is unfair. I have to look at it as it was natures way of saying something was wrong. But nature sure is fucking cruel.

I guess being there for her, and for my girls and not looking after myself led me to getting iller. Out of hours at the hospital informed me I had a chest infection, my kidney infection was still there and I also have an inflamed stomach. The latter is why I lost 5 pounds in a week. Guess there was a silver lining to being ill.

I am slowly getting better. Not quite at 100% but I will be as long as my girls don’t get ill again and chances are they will 😦

Right now, my life is tough. Tougher than most, but not as tough as others. And doing it alone. Well that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I just have to get on with it. Pull my socks up so to speak.

I hope this explains why I went awol. And I am sorry for worrying some of you. xx



12 thoughts on “Radio Silence.

  1. @accidentallykle says:

    Oh lovely…. well, there’s not much I can say, I wish I were closer and could help out in some way, but from here, I’ll send loads of love and courage and the will to go on for your two lovely girls and of course yourself. I cannot begin to express how much I admire you for the way you are with them and how you give them your all. I guess that’s all I can say, but please remember to take care of yourself too, and I hope you feel better really soon. Much love x C


    • coodababy says:

      Thank you Claire for the lovely words. I don’t know why it makes me feel weird when people say they admire me. I guess it’s cause I know anyone faced with hardship or problems deals with it so I am no different to anyone else, other than I am doing it alone. xxxx


  2. Ladyguru says:

    Thanks for sharing… Sending loads of love, miscarriage is so tough & so often inexplicable. Ah I wish I could take some of the pain away. Hope you’re feeling better soon x x


  3. mugofdecaf says:

    All of that is so awful, I’m not surprised you wanted time away. It’s hard to keep up appearances when life is so hard, and it feels like you’re stuck in a never ending cycle.
    I hope you do get the chance to get back up to 100% really soon. Are you all having multivitamins? We all are now, and I think they’re really making a difference (my nails are doing better too – whoop!).
    I’m so sorry for your sister…I can’t even begin to imagine what she went/is going through. About two weeks ago a friend miscarried from an ectopic pregnancy. You always hope these things will never happen to you or anyone you know…
    Sending lots of get well wishes, and please appreciate the admiration a lot of tweeters have for you – you do an extremely hard job, extremely well xxx


    • coodababy says:

      Thank you so much, and yes I did stop taking them but back on it now. I have to start looking after me more. Being healthy with eating and exercise isn’t enough. I do have to say though I was hardly ever ill when I was fatter.

      It’s horrible isn’t it, dealing with miscarriage, not knowing what to say or how to be. I just try to be positive. And hope that in time she can try to accept what has happened. Poor girl.

      And I shall try. I find it hard to accept but I shall try xxx


  4. Sairycake (@sairycake) says:

    Sorry you’ve been having such a shit time lately Kirsty. I know you don’t like accepting help (another reason I think you’re one tough lady!) but if you ever need anything please remember I’m only round the corner and would honestly never mind you asking me for a favour! Hope things improve for you all very soon xx


    • coodababy says:

      Thank you Sarah. I promise if I need help I will ask for it. You’re right though, I do find it hard asking. I always think other people have their own shit going on so don’t like to hinder. But I promise I will if I truly need it xxx


  5. S Bourne says:

    I totally get it. I really do. And christ, you had more than enough to deal with. We can be great at ‘masking’ our own pain to help others, but there has to be an outlet somewhere. I ended up with PND pretending I was ok and trying to please/protect others by carrying on.

    I hope you all mend soon, by gums, you are due some good luck and time to get over this awful time x


    • coodababy says:

      Thank you so much. I never got PND this time around I did last time, but this time I just think my general depression is there looming at all times.

      I think that’s why I hibernate. As I do find it hard to pretend. So the easiest option is to hide away and pretend it’s not happening. Although it is. So I do need to try and deal with stuff better.

      Good luck appreciated xxx


  6. Gina @ Oaxacaborn says:

    Oh, Kirsty. I truly wish (and I do mean this) that I was nearby, so I could help. You’re doing an amazing job with your girls, you’re a great mum, and I am really proud of your perseverance. I hope that all three of you are 100% very, very soon. x


  7. @SAHDandproud says:

    Only just seen this. Sorry things have been so tough for you and I totally get what you mean about blogging and tweeting being different. I too can’t face Twitter when I’m feeling a bit defeated. It feels a bit like a party is going on around you and you’re just not feeling it. If that makes any sense.
    Hope things improve.


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