Who will help me?

Last night, I can’t even begin to explain. I don’t even know how to start. Caitlyn had an episode. Her worst one to date if I’m honest.

It all started over me asking her to go to bed as she was really tired. My sister and nieces were  here, I cooked dinner. We had a lovely evening, even watched a film, a shit film. Shark Night.

Just as it finished I could see Caitlyn was very tired, she suffers so badly with tiredness due to her epilepsy and she’d also been on a 3 mile walk with me yesterday so I asked her to go brush her teeth and get her tablets ready.

It was all she needed to kick off one of her episodes. She screamed so loudly she woke D’arcy up who was so fucking frightened. She was clinging to me for dear life. My niece Chloe, she’s pretty amazing if I am honest, she knows how to calm Caitlyn down sometimes, last night was not one of these times.

I won’t go into it all mostly as I don’t want to write it as it will jerk things I want to forget.

My sister tried and failed to get her to calm down, I screamed at her, she screamed back, D’arcy screamed for me. Last night I actually wanted someone to come and take her. I didn’t want to be her mum any more. I disliked everything about her, I created someone so angry and so aggressive and it upsets me. I don’t want to me mum to someone like that. Had I have known who to call last night I would have called them and asked them to take her away. I had no idea where to turn. I even googled at one point “who will take my angry child” Finally she went to sleep after a very long hour, she finally accepted she couldn’t behave like that, my sister told her to go to sleep and she did.  D’arcy however couldn’t settle in her bed, she kept crying, so I ended up cuddling her in most of the night till about 4 when I put her back in her cot.

I feel drained, disgusted and like I can’t go on. I can’t with the way things are. I need help. I feel like if nothing is done then she will have to go, I can’t and won’t have her scaring her sister. She walks into her, stands on her hands, and then blames her dyspraxia. But I know she does it on purpose. Bottom line is I don’t trust her alone with her sister. How bad and sad is that? D’arcy can’t ever share a room with her.

I need respite care, I need a break. She needs a break. She is under my feet day in, day out. I know when she is going to have an episode, it starts with glaring at me, I can see hatred in her eyes. It’s awful to have your child look at you in such a way. I am scared of her. She has hit me a few times before, hit me, pinched me, drew blood. I know things can’t continue like this. 😦

Being a parent isn’t meant to be this hard. I need help.

6 thoughts on “Who will help me?

    • coodababy says:

      I don’t actually know that yet. I hope so as it’s what we need. I do need a break from her. Her dad is useless, so she doesn’t get to spend any time away. It is hard, and a horrible situation to be in. Weirdly I’d never change it. I love her so much which is why it feels awful at the moment x

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  1. Alex Watts says:

    I really really feel for you, this is such a terrible stressful thing for you and D to go through.
    On a practical level, are you in touch with any agencies who may help you? Who looks after your daughters medical problems? Can you speak to her school- I imagine there are other parents who get respite care for their children with special needs. If these put you and both girls at risk it really needs sorting. I have no personal or professional experience of this but having worked for the Samaritans for some years I am aware that there is a host of charities and organisations that are there to help with a vast array of family situations.

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    • coodababy says:

      Since we moved most things are done through her school, actually it was like that in London too. SN schools are pretty good like that. I have called them today and waiting for them to call me back, I think a referral to social services to get a case worked is the first step. And then hopefully something can be done.

      It’s hard as since moving back here, although it’s my home town I have no idea of the help. xx

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  2. lumpygrumpy says:

    I work with people who are similar to C every day. It is hard. There are lots of care agencies who can help, even if it’s just outreach once a week.
    You should speak to C’s care manager and GP. They will be able to help.
    Two companies I highly reccomend: Home Farm Trust and Real Life Options – I’ve worked for both of them. Their training is second to none, so you can be sure staff can cope.
    The only other thing I can suggest is writing ‘the letter’. This is a hard letter to write, but you will have to do it at some point. You write a letter to C’s care manager stating that after a certain date (a couple of months in the future) you will NO LONGER look after C. This will get things moving far quicker than anything else.
    I really hope this helps.
    You can email me / tweet me at anytime sweetheart.
    Lots of love X

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