Last night, I can’t even begin to explain. I don’t even know how to start. Caitlyn had an episode. Her worst one to date if I’m honest.
It all started over me asking her to go to bed as she was really tired. My sister and nieces were here, I cooked dinner. We had a lovely evening, even watched a film, a shit film. Shark Night.
Just as it finished I could see Caitlyn was very tired, she suffers so badly with tiredness due to her epilepsy and she’d also been on a 3 mile walk with me yesterday so I asked her to go brush her teeth and get her tablets ready.
It was all she needed to kick off one of her episodes. She screamed so loudly she woke D’arcy up who was so fucking frightened. She was clinging to me for dear life. My niece Chloe, she’s pretty amazing if I am honest, she knows how to calm Caitlyn down sometimes, last night was not one of these times.
I won’t go into it all mostly as I don’t want to write it as it will jerk things I want to forget.
My sister tried and failed to get her to calm down, I screamed at her, she screamed back, D’arcy screamed for me. Last night I actually wanted someone to come and take her. I didn’t want to be her mum any more. I disliked everything about her, I created someone so angry and so aggressive and it upsets me. I don’t want to me mum to someone like that. Had I have known who to call last night I would have called them and asked them to take her away. I had no idea where to turn. I even googled at one point “who will take my angry child” Finally she went to sleep after a very long hour, she finally accepted she couldn’t behave like that, my sister told her to go to sleep and she did. D’arcy however couldn’t settle in her bed, she kept crying, so I ended up cuddling her in most of the night till about 4 when I put her back in her cot.
I feel drained, disgusted and like I can’t go on. I can’t with the way things are. I need help. I feel like if nothing is done then she will have to go, I can’t and won’t have her scaring her sister. She walks into her, stands on her hands, and then blames her dyspraxia. But I know she does it on purpose. Bottom line is I don’t trust her alone with her sister. How bad and sad is that? D’arcy can’t ever share a room with her.
I need respite care, I need a break. She needs a break. She is under my feet day in, day out. I know when she is going to have an episode, it starts with glaring at me, I can see hatred in her eyes. It’s awful to have your child look at you in such a way. I am scared of her. She has hit me a few times before, hit me, pinched me, drew blood. I know things can’t continue like this. 😦
Being a parent isn’t meant to be this hard. I need help.